Bad Jokes 

This wasn't a competition as much but a poll on the forum to get some banter going. Here are the gags which were submitted.

Stuart Gibson

1. Why do people go to bed?
The bed won't go to them.

2. What do you get when you cross a hurdler with a sheep?
A wooly jumper.

3. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

4. What happened to the 2 fireworks at the crime scene?
One got charged, the other got let off.

5. A bear walks into a bar. Bar man asks "what can I get you?" The bear replies "I'll have a pint of heavy and eh, eh, um, eh, um..."
After much pondering, the bar man asks "what's the big pause for?" The bear replies "catching salmon."

Robert Leggate

1. Whats red and flies through walls?
Casper the friendly 1lb of mince.

2. Whats blue, furry and swings through the jungle?
a monkey with a wrangler jacket on.

3. Whats yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

4. Where does the King keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.

5. Why do cowboys ride horses?
cos there too heavy to carry.

David Boyd

whats green and invisible?

this cabbage.

Allan Boyd

why do birds fly south for the winter?

because its too far to walk.

Keith Stoddart

1. Have you heard the one about the idiot who found three bottles of milk in a field?
He thought it was a cows nest

2. What do you get if you sit under a cows behind?
A pat on the head

3. Cow One: Are you worried about Mad Cows Disease?
Cow Two: No
Cow One: Why Not?
Cow Tow: Because I'm a Duck!

4. What do you call a group of Scientists travelling on the underground?
A tube of smarties.

5. What do you call a cat that eats a duck billed Platypus?
A Duck Filled Fatty Puss.

6. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

7. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea.

8. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

David Robertson

1. What do you call a man with paper pants?
Russel.

2. 9 cows in a field...what one is closest to irac??
Coo-eight (KUWAIT).

3. what is white and blue and if it fell out a tree would kill ya?
a fridge wearing a denim jacket.

John Robertson

1. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
‘Comfy?’ asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.

2. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

3. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter.
‘That’s affa deer,’ says the guy.

4. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He’s awa’ noo.

5. After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’ he replies.

6. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

7. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

8. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. ‘No,’ argues the assistant, ‘look at the label - it says Taiwan .’

9. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: ‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’
‘I’d put him off at the next stop,’ he says.
‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?’
‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.

10. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
‘What’s up, Jimmy?’ he asks.
‘Piston broke,’ he replies.
‘Aye, same as masel…’